i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
