Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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