i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
