she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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