I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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