Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It's like God shit irony all over that family
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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