All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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