Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize