I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Less talking, more tequila
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
