I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
