He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
