I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
