you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
