I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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