Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
