I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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