My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
