My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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