Four minutes until I can fart!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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