i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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