I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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