I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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