She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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