i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
