RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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