i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
