You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
