This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's official drugs can't kill me
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
