Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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