dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
