Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
