But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
