Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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