I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
