i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
