my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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