so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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