i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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