Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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