After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
