Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
