my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
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Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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