I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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