I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
