Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
