i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
