I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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