My balls are so social today.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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