I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
