Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
