I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
