how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize