I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
