I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
organizing the empties. That sober.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize