Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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