Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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