# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
