It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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