I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
