Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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