I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
