i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
